Republican Idol – the local audition rounds continue

Republican presidential wannabes continue to flock to local auditions in the hope of striking a chord with the judges and getting a golden ticket for Washington Week. Your faithful reporter notes than some contestants have attended more than one local audition – they’re obviously VERY keen. In this week’s action:

Former Governor and Fox Comedy News Channel pundit Mike Huckabee has been a busy boy. He’s shown up in a low cost internet informercial – Barton Publishing’s Diabetes Solution Kit – that claims that cinnamon rolls can help cure diabetes.  This landmark information is right up there with the discovery that the earth really is flat after all and dinosaurs perished in The Great Flood. Huckabee – or Huckster, as he’s now being called – has the credentials to go a long way in this competition.

Senator Ted Cruz is also back for more. The head of the Senate committee responsible for NASA funding, and a flat out climate change denier, has told NASA Administrator Charles Bolden that the agency should be spending a lot less time on climate change studies. We don’t want one of America’s leading science agencies wasting its time on science, do we? Good work Ted!

Cruz also found the time to work up an ensemble audition with fellow Senators, including Idol hopefuls Marco Rubio and John McCain. They were amongst the 47 Republican Senators who sent the Iranian government a letter threatening that any nuclear deal done with the Obama administration will be ripped up by the next Republican administration. Unfortunately, Iran’s reply demonstrated that their leadership group has a far better handle on international law and, not surprisingly, US law as well. Doesn’t bode well for this group – in any event, they probably should have attended the Republican X Factor audition, since Republican Idol doesn’t actually have a group section. Duh!

South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham has made a big play for the senior vote with the admission that he’s never used email, texting or social media in his life. Unfortunately, Idol voting is done by SMS so Lindsay will struggle to get enough support to survive. Shame – he’s the sort of Neanderthal idiot who could do well in this competition.

Speaking of senior citizens, former Republican Idol winner, Mitt Romney, is missing the spotlight so much that’s he jumping in the ring with another dinosaur – Evander Holyfield. The charity event will take place in Utah, in May, if either of them can remember to show up. The standing eight count is being reviewed because neither of them can stand for eight full counts without having to take a nap.

One of the most startling auditions in Republican Idol history has played out in Arkansas. State Legislator Justin Harris and his wife – proprietor of a pre-school center named Growing God’s Children – adopted two girls from a troubled background. The Harris family strategy for modifying the girls’ behaviour was to lock them in a CCTV monitored room and, when that didn’t work, they brought in an exorcist from Alabama. Unbelievably, that didn’t work either so they gave the girls away to a neighbour who subsequently sexually abused at least one of them. I’m speechless and breathless. I reckon, that in a state like Arkansas, Harris’s popularity should soar. Whether the rest of Republican Nation is ready for him………..??

In the Illinois local audition, Congressman Aaron Schock has resigned in an expense scandal. He spent tens of thousands turning his office into a  replica of Downton Abbey and then, in a spectacular display of creative accounting, billed Congress for 170,000 miles of travel in a car that only had 80,000 miles on the clock. Schock – or Schlock as some are now calling him – will be a big loss to the competition.

Finally, we had a post-mortem entry – one inspired by the Aaron Schock audition. Turns out that in 1848, Congressman Abraham Lincoln was also caught up in an expense scandal. He was found to have over billed his travel expenses by $677 – the equivalent of $18,700 in 2015 money. Worked out okay for him – hopeful Mr. Schock doesn’t totally lose heart.

Another good week of auditions. Stay tuned for the next round.

Republican Idol – the local audition round

It seems that Republicans have their own version of American Idol and it’s becoming very exciting as those who are (to quote the ageing former bass player of the 80s band Journey) “In it to win it” raise their games. The rules of Republican Idol appear to be to do or say the dumbest conceivable thing in as large or important a public forum as possible. We’re still at the local audition phase and Republicans from far and wide are all doing their best to impress the judges in the hopes that they can get their golden ticket to Washington Week. In last week’s action:

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is channelling the stupidity and deer-in-headlights quality of previous contestant Sarah Palin. When asked if he has what it takes to defeat ISIS, he bragged that he defeated the trade unions in Wisconsin and, if  can do that, beating ISIS will be a piece of cake. I’d suggest that if he moves on to Washington Week, his group round should involve spending quality time with ISIS – let’s see what he thinks after that. I think he’s a strong challenger for the title.

Nevada State Assemblywoman Michele Fiore performed one of the standout auditions of the year when she, on her radio show, suggested that, since cancer is a fungus, you should be able to flush it out with baking soda. After all, that’s much cheaper than traditional, expensive treatments. This woman has what it takes to gain the support of the stupid masses and will be a real threat to better known contestants.

Not to be outdone, Oklahoma Senator Jim Inhofe, while speaking in the US Senate, produced a snowball and threw it in the direction of the acting President of the Senate, thus proving that global warming is untrue. While this was a very strong audition, I don’t think Inhofe has the range to hold up over a long Republican Idol season. This may be his finest hour.

Last week, the judges and crew of the Idol team found themselves at CPAC – the annual festival of flat earthers, climate deniers and the American Taliban. One of the CPAC hopefuls, Rick Santorum, tried his hand at stand up comedy. Santorum regaled the judges with “The President’s popularity is so bad around the world today that I heard this report from a source that the Kenyan government is actually developing proof that Barack Obama was born in America.” Santorum’s comedic effort was met with stunned silence. No golden ticket for Rick.

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul established his credentials as a real threat during a meet and greet with University of Louisville medical students. He said,  “I never, ever cheated. I don’t condone cheating. But I would sometimes spread misinformation. This is a great tactic. Misinformation can be very important.” At least he’s an honest liar. Actually, the scary thing here is that the University of Louisville has a medical school!

Finally, surprise contestant, Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson – also at the CPAC audition – explained that the extraordinarily high percentage of Americans with Sexually Transmitted Infections is a direct result of hippies and beatniks. He offered this rare insight as a launching pad for his diatribe against evil homos and queers – who, I guess, must be hippies and beatniks? Like Inhofe, Robertson gave a strong audition but I fear that gay bashing is his strength and he’ll struggle when he’s asked to be plausibly stupid in other areas like foreign affairs and the economy. A shame – he’d be highly entertaining and would get a lot of votes from the ‘seriously inbred’ wing of the Republican Party.

So there you have it – the week that was on Republican Idol. It’s going to be an exciting season and I feel privileged to be able to cover it. Don’t forget to stock up on baking soda in case you too get a nasty cancer fungus.