Republican presidential wannabes continue to flock to local auditions in the hope of striking a chord with the judges and getting a golden ticket for Washington Week. Your faithful reporter notes than some contestants have attended more than one local audition – they’re obviously VERY keen. In this week’s action:
Former Governor and Fox Comedy News Channel pundit Mike Huckabee has been a busy boy. He’s shown up in a low cost internet informercial – Barton Publishing’s Diabetes Solution Kit – that claims that cinnamon rolls can help cure diabetes. This landmark information is right up there with the discovery that the earth really is flat after all and dinosaurs perished in The Great Flood. Huckabee – or Huckster, as he’s now being called – has the credentials to go a long way in this competition.
Senator Ted Cruz is also back for more. The head of the Senate committee responsible for NASA funding, and a flat out climate change denier, has told NASA Administrator Charles Bolden that the agency should be spending a lot less time on climate change studies. We don’t want one of America’s leading science agencies wasting its time on science, do we? Good work Ted!
Cruz also found the time to work up an ensemble audition with fellow Senators, including Idol hopefuls Marco Rubio and John McCain. They were amongst the 47 Republican Senators who sent the Iranian government a letter threatening that any nuclear deal done with the Obama administration will be ripped up by the next Republican administration. Unfortunately, Iran’s reply demonstrated that their leadership group has a far better handle on international law and, not surprisingly, US law as well. Doesn’t bode well for this group – in any event, they probably should have attended the Republican X Factor audition, since Republican Idol doesn’t actually have a group section. Duh!
South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham has made a big play for the senior vote with the admission that he’s never used email, texting or social media in his life. Unfortunately, Idol voting is done by SMS so Lindsay will struggle to get enough support to survive. Shame – he’s the sort of Neanderthal idiot who could do well in this competition.
Speaking of senior citizens, former Republican Idol winner, Mitt Romney, is missing the spotlight so much that’s he jumping in the ring with another dinosaur – Evander Holyfield. The charity event will take place in Utah, in May, if either of them can remember to show up. The standing eight count is being reviewed because neither of them can stand for eight full counts without having to take a nap.
One of the most startling auditions in Republican Idol history has played out in Arkansas. State Legislator Justin Harris and his wife – proprietor of a pre-school center named Growing God’s Children – adopted two girls from a troubled background. The Harris family strategy for modifying the girls’ behaviour was to lock them in a CCTV monitored room and, when that didn’t work, they brought in an exorcist from Alabama. Unbelievably, that didn’t work either so they gave the girls away to a neighbour who subsequently sexually abused at least one of them. I’m speechless and breathless. I reckon, that in a state like Arkansas, Harris’s popularity should soar. Whether the rest of Republican Nation is ready for him………..??
In the Illinois local audition, Congressman Aaron Schock has resigned in an expense scandal. He spent tens of thousands turning his office into a replica of Downton Abbey and then, in a spectacular display of creative accounting, billed Congress for 170,000 miles of travel in a car that only had 80,000 miles on the clock. Schock – or Schlock as some are now calling him – will be a big loss to the competition.
Finally, we had a post-mortem entry – one inspired by the Aaron Schock audition. Turns out that in 1848, Congressman Abraham Lincoln was also caught up in an expense scandal. He was found to have over billed his travel expenses by $677 – the equivalent of $18,700 in 2015 money. Worked out okay for him – hopeful Mr. Schock doesn’t totally lose heart.
Another good week of auditions. Stay tuned for the next round.
david chaulk 